So what topic is the best to start off a blog with?  Porn of course! 

 

            It’s at the forefront of many relationships now days.  Most online forums are consumed with posts from men looking for it or questioning why their wives have a problem with it or women at their wits end with their significant others because of it.  I’m open minded enough to understand both sides and its use and consequent effects are different on every relationship.  Remember, this is just one persons opinion on the matter.  I’m not beyond saying that I watch it; both on my own and with my husband.  I will also say that it has been one of the hardest parts of my marriage to deal with at times. 

 

            Why?

 

Pornography is a tool, which is the most basic way that I can look at it.  It is used to stimulate the mind and/or body for gratification.  A hammer is a very basic tool that has been used for centuries; useful, convenient, reliable, and relatively safe to use.  How many have used a hammer and lost focus of what they were doing?  OUCH! For days after there is a painful reminder of the mistake made each time you bump the swollen finger.  Unfortunately, it seems the painful reminders of losing focus when using porn are longer lasting and much more painful; sometimes life altering. 

 

The first thing to keep in mind is the difference between men and women.  Men tend to meet their desires from seeing what they view as a sexy woman.  The thought of the physical aspect of obtaining or conquering what is desired gets the ball rolling.  A woman on the other hand, wants to be wanted (see how those two different aspects actually fit together nicely).  She wants to be the source of her man’s obsessions.  See how easily that hammer can be brought down upon a sensitive and undesired target?

 

            Personal perspective

 

I mentioned above that porn has been one of the hardest parts of my marriage to deal with.  After 12 years with my best friend, many trials and tribulations have come our way.  I can comfortably say, porn is the one that always remains, always stings, and causes us the most problems. 

 

So is my husband some sort of psychotic porn addict that is ranted about on every blog and forum across the internet?  Umm…no, he’s a normal man.  Honestly, possibly the only topic I can, or will ever, refer to him as normal.  J

 

We watch porn together, we shop for porn together. Out of all the movies we own, maybe two actually interest me in any way, shape, or form.  What I do not fail to realize is A) our shopping trips are a blast!  B) acts or styles that interest him visually, benefit us both when recreated physically, we both win.  So where is the risk of injury when using porn this way?  For me it’s a minor wound, like when you catch the very outside edge of your finger, blood blister at worst.  Porn tends to be very one sided, it is primarily made for and by men.  If you notice all of your encounters in the recent past have had the same order of events (oral, sex, money shot) maybe consider making it all about her for a few times…you’ll still benefit the same (or better). 

 

This brings me to porn that is not viewed together. Modern technology has brought annoying cats and videos of sexual acts beyond our wildest imaginations, right to our fingertips.  How is this not tempting to a guy (referencing the hunting and conquering aspect mentioned above)?  Depending on the nature, duration, mindset, and purpose, it can be harmless.  It can also become a hammer blow that removes your entire hand or the hand of your partner holding the nail for you. 

 

If my husband viewed porn on his own solely as inspiration for our personal time, I would honestly pay for subscriptions to any site he wanted!  In fact, I would personally rub his feet after serving him his favorite meal on a silver platter, while he played Call of Duty completely uninterrupted.  Reality: he’s a guy! Other reality, porn can be a really selfish tool but it’s not always easy to realize that and I don’t think in any relationship, it is ever intended as that.  Porn traps are like bear traps:  do you use it as stimulation before engaging with your significant other? Do you use it instead of engaging with your significant other? Just because you’re bored? To fantasize about what you aren’t or can’t get in reality? Curiosity?  All of these are reasons I have heard and in reality, to me, they all make sense. 

 

Now the opposing side; how porn can make the person you care most about in the world feel.  12 years ago I was a confident person, not an overly indulged, pretentious bitch, but someone who knew she had strengths that were awesome and weaknesses that could always be worked on.  Now….I honestly find it hard to look people in the eye, my confidence level is in the negatives, and I normally dress like a nun to cover my insecurities.  Why?  Because the only person I seek validation from does not know how to give it, and unintentionally gives negative validation instead.  I don’t resent him for this, it’s not just his problem or his creation, I’m smart enough to realize it takes two to create any problem.  Although I’ve tried a million different ways to explain it to him, he doesn’t understand.  He thinks like a guy…I think like a girl.  Hopefully I can explain it here for others to understand.  It’s not exactly the easiest thing to admit to or talk to your husband about.  Most women resort to answering ‘never mind’ or ‘nothing’ when asked what’s bugging them. 

 

Let’s start with a scenario.  The woman you love, adore, and would do anything for tells you she can not get into sex unless she looks at other men first.  She further explains that she needs to think of this other guy and his superior sized man hood in order to be sexually satisfied by you.  OUCH!  Hammer to the thumb (and groin) right?  Well….in a woman’s perspective, that would just be putting the shoe on the other foot.  

 

Many men, my husband included, seem to think they can view porn and their wives are none the wiser.  This is not the case, if we’ve been with you, if we know you, we know when porn has been viewed or we find out in the worst ways.  Do not lie about it, don’t hide it, and don’t sneak it.  That turns something that is probably innocent, into something really bad. I know this sucks because half the time the sneaking ads to the enjoyment right?  J 

 

My husband views porn, he looks at pictures of women posing, he views craigslist ads both locally and all over the U.S. and he has listed about every reason under the sun for doing so.  He sees it as innocent; he doesn’t respond to the ads, he’s just looking. 

 

I see it as I’m no longer enough, good enough, desired, or wanted.  I have competition with something I can not compete with.  My boobs can not magically grow overnight; I can not become Asian or Latino etc… The list goes on and on.  As far as the craigslist ads go, they’re just pictures to him, but they are women looking and available to HIM.  What if the words above in the ad grab his attention? What if the grass suddenly became too green to ignore?  Has it already? I’m left feeling not only completely inadequate, but I no longer have a sense of comfort, the one person I should feel secure with and around has inadvertently stripped me of all of that.  Now my confidence in myself and relationship is gone, I become less desirable in his eyes, just adding to my lack of confidence. The cycle has begun.  Just a tip: if your wife does not remain (or get completely) naked around you or only wants intimate moments with the light off, it’s time to reconsider and evaluate things together.  I don’t think most women really care what the reasoning is behind it, it honestly does not make it hurt any less, even if we know it’s innocent, it still plants doubts, and it still takes away from how we see ourselves.   

 

            Wow! So guys should stop watching porn?

 

Nope!  Porn is a tool remember, it can be a good thing, or at least just a normal thing as long as the user doesn’t lose focus.

** If your sex life is disappointing to one or both of you, you should immediately avoid porn like the plague (even when that’s when it would seem like most useful time for said tool)!  Seriously, if sex sucks, something is missing between the two of you, find the source.  Porn at that point is just using the claw end of the hammer to separate everything between the two of you.

** If you are using porn to get in the mood before sex – seriously, do I even need to explain this one?  How would you feel?

** If your sex life is repetitive, each encounter is basically the same or if you all but hear ‘bow chicka bow wow’ music in your head as it’s going down…stop watching porn.  Change it up for the sake of both of you!  FOREPLAY needs to be intimate, playful, fun, unrehearsed sometimes. 

** If you’ve already been busted, or think it’s a possibility, make it about her.  When was the last time you stripped her clothes off (or ripped them off haha)?  When was the last time you told her she was was beautiful, sexy, or desirable and made sure she knew you meant it?  When was the last time you actually told her (or SHOWED her) how much you wanted or needed her? (if has been a while since you’ve heard these things…because it goes both ways…she will reciprocate, I promise!) Did you notice her last hair cut?  Dye job?  Change in makeup?  Guys don’t worry about those things in their lives so they don’t always thing to compliment them (or notice) when their wives have things done.  It matters and 9 times out of 10 it was done for you. 

**Guys who have been cut off – start pleasuring yourself when you KNOW she will catch you…no material.  When she just catch you, tell her you were thinking of her and were overcome. 

**If you watch porn and take care of yourself because you’re too lazy to have sex – Shame on you!  You are one of a billion guys…but still…shame on you J It’s more fun with two!

 

 

            It takes two to Tango

 

My husband, I truly believe, views his actions as harmless.  He is not some evil entity set out to destroy me.  He is my best friend, my soul mate, and the one I love.  I am the same to him.  I cannot, and will not hold him accountable for how I feel when I cannot properly communicate with him so that he is able to understand. I realize this is a hurdle, we will jump TOGETHER.  I am not blameless, as I said before, I watch it too.  Women do tend to view it differently than men but nobody is at fault for that (it would be amazing if he’d make me a video just for me though…I’d never watch anything else again….I NEED to communicate that to him!)   Porn is not evil, it does not need to have a negative impact on a relationship, just don’t lose focus! J

 

To all the women, if you have a problem with your husband watching porn, talk to him about it.  If he doesn’t understand where you’re coming from, keep talking to him about it.  Can these be embarrassingly difficult conversations?  Oh DEFINITELY! But not as embarrassing as the feelings it can be causing in you.  Oh, for the love of everything, if you find gay porn, tranny porn, or just plain “weird” stuff in the history folder, talk it out before jumping to conclusions.  It’s easy to click on the wrong thing for one, and two, we are ALL curious by nature!  Just because they looked at a train wreck, does not mean it turned them on!  It doesn’t mean they even watched it.  I’ve followed a million links thinking ‘NO WAY!’ well…yes way, it’s the internet.  My history at times could make a sailor blush!  If it is something that extreme or bothersome to you, stop, breathe, and just straight up ask him.